...still figuring it out.

If there's one thing I can't do, it's figuring things out. At least, I don't feel like I can. When I was younger, probably in high school, I tried really hard to know what I wanted to do with my life, but I never really planned it out. I definitely was not one of those girls who knew by what age she wanted to get married and then have children. Trust me, the whole concept was lunacy to me. I did, however, always know that I wanted to be a teacher or work with children in some capacity. So, I guess you could say I tried to figure it out.

It wasn't until I was mid-semester in my AP English course that I realized English was where it was at for me. I was good at it, I liked it, so it was pretty much a perfect fit. Fast forward 10 years and I have been teaching high school English for the last 5. It's been fun and an incredible learning process. Seriously. I have learned more about how societies and communities function, how people function, and how teenagers learn than I could have ever thought possible. It's been real.

One thing it hasn't been, though, is too much of a struggle. Sure, there have been some REALLY hard years with behavior issues, lack of administrative support with certain students, etc. Those years, however, weren't hard on me intellectually, though. At the end of the day, I still showed up the next day to teach. Now that I have switched schools, I have less of those hard days and more days where I am intellectually challenged by my students. It's pretty good right now, but how long will I do this? Is this what I want to do for the next 25 years?

What's next? That seems to be the burning question. Now that I've hit those 5 years of service, it seems like the only thing anyone can ask me about what I'm planning on doing next. No, I have not gotten my masters degree. The main reason is that I have NO CLUE as to what I want to study. I'm dutifully paying off my undergraduate student loans and am, unfortunately, not really eager to take on more debt any time soon. That's probably most of why I'm not too crazy about going back to school. I love the idea of going back to school, but not the reality.

I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Honestly. I only ever wanted to be a teacher. Now I've meet that mark and I'm good at it. It seems crazy to just stick around status-quo, right? So what do I do next? I'm not interested in becoming an administrator, mostly because I understand how intensely frustrating that job that can be without the right funds or support from your superiors. I'm not eager to get another degree in English, because I already have a hard enough time finding other ways (than teaching) to use my B.A. degree.

Cory asked me a few days ago to really think about two things:
1) What I love to do
2) What I could do in the future that would make me happy

I am clueless. I like to do a lot of things, but I really don't know what I love to do.

One thing you need to know about me is that I'm a pretty even-keel bird. I don't get excited very much because I don't have much going on that is excitement worthy. There are a lot of things I look forward to, though. So does that mean that I'm officially transporting into an old fuddy-duddy? Say it isn't so!

What should a person do to find out what they love to do? How can I know what will make future Liz happy and full of passion and fire? 

To be honest, sometimes all that "passion and fire" can feel lame to me. I guess because I haven't felt that so-called contagious feeling in a long time, I've forgotten the mystery behind it. I've stopped wanting it or knowing where to find it.

But I want to find it. Desperately. So I'm going to start trying. I'm going to start doing things wholeheartedly for me. Like actually taking the minute and asking myself, Where do you want to go to dinner tonight? or What do you actually want to wear? I think those moments can transform into larger choices and decisions. Or at least I hope they will.

It's sort of sad living lackluster. Things have been rocky on my end over the last few weeks, just trying to figure it all--but more importantly--me out.

Now's the time for a confession. I love Tavi Gevinson a whole lot. There's something special about that girl; her blog, her online magazine is really amazing. She's like a younger Hello Giggles. Really. I recently saw her Ted Talks video from last month and as crazy as it sounds, it was like she was speaking straight to so many dilemmas I've faced throughout the last few years. I mean, this girl is 16 years old and is well on her way to figuring it out--and if she's not--she's trying really hard.

If any of what I'm saying resonates with you in any way, I encourage you to watch this video. It's less than 8 minutes long and profoundly refreshing. Also, if you know any teen girls, I think you should share it with them, too.

So off I go, into the land of unknown. I'm trying to figure myself and everything else out. I want to know more about myself, especially what I truly love. It's hard! I don't know how I'll find it, I just really, really hope I'll know it when I do.   

Yours in trying to figure it out,

Zen and the Art of Happiness

While I was in San Francisco a few weeks ago I read The Happiness Project and wrote a little bit about it here. Since then, I have been noticing a lot of people in my blog roll or life also reading it. It has really encouraged me to take a deeper look at the philosophy behind the project, the world I live in, and various attributes of my daily existance. With that being said, I'm starting a bit of a study. As a world history teacher, to say that my husband knows a bit about religions is an understatement. I, however, don't know much outside of the standard textbook reviews from high school (I only took a few history courses in college).

To begin this journey, I'm starting with Buddhism. While Buddhism is not necessarily a religion and more of a way of life, I want to know more about it and what it offers the community. My friend Whitney at The Muse mentioned in the comments of The Happiness Project post a book she really recommended to me, Zen and the Art of Happiness. This is the first book on my list. I am taking recommendations for other reading and since I am officially on summer break, the turn around should be pretty quick!

I feel like I could be beginning a spiritual journey and the timing just seems perfect. I'm excited to dig through various texts and do a little personal research. I don't know really what I'm looking for or if I even am trying to answer a specific question or desire. I do know, however, that I feel an overwhelming sense of "unresolve" that I would like to ease.

To be determined!

xo,

Liz

The truth...

I have been re-watching older seasons of Mad Men as I have been trying to get some of my friends from work into it. While I know it's really difficult to pick out a favorite episode or scene, I think I have finally figured it out. Although season 4 is my favorite season, by far, I do think that Season 2 episode 6 is one of the best. In this episode Paul Kinsey presents the idea that every woman wants to be either a Marilyn or a Jackie. the firm whips up this incredible advertisement to pitch to the Playtex team:

(source)

When I think about modern celebrities and lifestyle, I don't think we have moved very far from women "wanting" (and I use that term very loosely) to be a Jackie or a Marilyn. Personally, I am more of a Jackie than a Marilyn. In personality and dress, I am much more conservative. Do you think we have modern stand-ins for Jackie or Marilyn? Who would they be?

So... Are we still living as Jackie or Marilyn?

Agree or Disagree?

Silence is so important.

I struggle with silence.

I cannot emphasize enough how true that statement is. I often crave and need so much quiet time at the end of my day, but I so very rarely let it happen. As soon as I get home, I get started on dinner or household chores because I know if I sit down, they will not get accomplished. After Cory and I eat dinner, I'll turn on the television to watch the news. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, Cory will remind me that sound can be provided via music and I'll come to my senses that, YES! What a grand idea! I don't need the TV at all! I mean...I obviously know that I do not need the television. But it's hard to remind myself to actually slow down and take the time for silence.

I have been really struggling with how loud and emotional my job is. I am already a pretty emotional person (I'm not a crier...but I guess you could say that I internalize a lot of the grief I see people experiencing. I honestly feel my chest tighten and my heart beginning to ache whenever I experience something of this nature.), but I feel like the emotions and empathy I feel at work are actually beginning to affect my perspective and sense of being. This situation has been creating so much noise in my mind and I can never seem to shut out. The last few weeks I have had consistant dreams that are work related. In my down time, I'm wondering if my students are living in on the streets, in the woods in a tent, or if they have eaten dinner. I have so much respect for my students, but I feel as if they are the cross I bare. I am feeling so weighed down by their trials and tribulations that it is so hard for me to focus on my own.

I really need to find a way to get a hold on how I am letting my job affect me emotionally. It is something I have always struggled with, but I must come to terms with this and find a happy medium so that when I have quiet time, work is not the first thing that comes to mind. I want other important aspects of my life to take charge of my thoughts and my creativity. I just don't know how much longer I can let this feeling crowd my mind and put so much weight on my mind.

It's strange, because throughout this entire process I have often reverted back to Yokoo's Etsy Handmade Portraits video posted in November that I blogged about here. In one particular scene of the video Yokoo states: "the world I live in and the world I see through my eyes tends to become a little too rough for me." That is exactly how I feel. I get so overwhelmed that it's hard for me to seperate myself.

"Silence is very important. Most of my ideas come out of complete silence.

We all need to allow the silence because there is so much noise.

You need to take that time for yourself to realize why you're here.

You're here to create."

Those words just hit my soul in such a powerful way. I have watched this video just to have those words told to me.

It's just incredible.

Psss... Pass it On!

Happy  November!

(source)

 I have a few questions for you...

1. What is your favorite craft/trade?

2. How did you learn?

3. Do you see yourself passing on your craft/trade to someone else? OR Is it important to you to pass it on?

4. Who do you hope to pass it on to?

My answers...

1. My favorite craft/trade is crocheting, by far.

2. I learned from my grandmother, Donna when I was just 7 years old. I watched her crochet gifts for neighbors and friends while I spent summers at her house. Finally, after staring at how fast her hands moved, and how fast the projects went, I finally got her to teach me. I spent many, many years in the land of Single Stitch, but it paid off.

3. I absolutely want to pass along the art of crochet to anyone who wants to learn. I think it is such a theraputic outlet (like many crafts), but runs the risk of being a dying art. I can't bare to see that happen! I'm interested in starting classes in the Frederick/Maryland area, or just getting an after-school club together.

4. I hope to pass it on to a younger generation. I love that I have memories of crocheting through every major phase of my life.

Your turn!