I struggle with silence.
I cannot emphasize enough how true that statement is. I often crave and need so much quiet time at the end of my day, but I so very rarely let it happen. As soon as I get home, I get started on dinner or household chores because I know if I sit down, they will not get accomplished. After Cory and I eat dinner, I'll turn on the television to watch the news. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, Cory will remind me that sound can be provided via music and I'll come to my senses that, YES! What a grand idea! I don't need the TV at all! I mean...I obviously know that I do not need the television. But it's hard to remind myself to actually slow down and take the time for silence.
I have been really struggling with how loud and emotional my job is. I am already a pretty emotional person (I'm not a crier...but I guess you could say that I internalize a lot of the grief I see people experiencing. I honestly feel my chest tighten and my heart beginning to ache whenever I experience something of this nature.), but I feel like the emotions and empathy I feel at work are actually beginning to affect my perspective and sense of being. This situation has been creating so much noise in my mind and I can never seem to shut out. The last few weeks I have had consistant dreams that are work related. In my down time, I'm wondering if my students are living in on the streets, in the woods in a tent, or if they have eaten dinner. I have so much respect for my students, but I feel as if they are the cross I bare. I am feeling so weighed down by their trials and tribulations that it is so hard for me to focus on my own.
I really need to find a way to get a hold on how I am letting my job affect me emotionally. It is something I have always struggled with, but I must come to terms with this and find a happy medium so that when I have quiet time, work is not the first thing that comes to mind. I want other important aspects of my life to take charge of my thoughts and my creativity. I just don't know how much longer I can let this feeling crowd my mind and put so much weight on my mind.
It's strange, because throughout this entire process I have often reverted back to Yokoo's Etsy Handmade Portraits video posted in November that I blogged about here. In one particular scene of the video Yokoo states: "the world I live in and the world I see through my eyes tends to become a little too rough for me." That is exactly how I feel. I get so overwhelmed that it's hard for me to seperate myself.
"Silence is very important. Most of my ideas come out of complete silence.
We all need to allow the silence because there is so much noise.
You need to take that time for yourself to realize why you're here.
You're here to create."
Those words just hit my soul in such a powerful way. I have watched this video just to have those words told to me.
It's just incredible.